In yer Noise

[Todd]
White. All I see is white, all I feel is white, all I hear, taste, smell is white. This bright whiteness that has wrapped itself around me like a blanket, suffocating me, not letting me breathe and chocking off all thoughts and all sound, drowning me in the whiteness of it all. This bright whiteness that blinds me chocks me presses down on my chest like a sadness, a black hole, a pain that ain’t never gonna let up.
But I know that sadness.
But I know that pull.
But I know that pressure and it hurts, but I love it, it breaks me but I need it, it kills me but it makes me stronger.
Cause it’s her. It’s her it’s her it’s her.
Against the blinding whiteness, I open my eyes and I open them wide and it hurts but it’s worth it, it stings but it’s worth it, it brings tears to my eyes (shut up) but it’s worth it because it’s her. I have to see her against all the pain all the sorrow, I have to get to her, have to hold her, never leave her cause even tho her silence hurts it’s also the best feeling in the world and it hurts more to be away than to be near her. I have to reach her.
I’m coming.
Stay where you are cause I’m coming.
I’m coming for her.
Do you hear me? I’m coming for you!
And I think of her hair, her face, her ruddy silence that I can’t get enough of, her lips that I’ve only touched once, her name-
I can’t remember her name.
I can’t remember her name!
How could I forget her effing name?
And suddenly I’m on my feet running running running so fast but I ain’t going nowhere cause stretching out in every direcshun is that bright whiteness that don’t seem so bright no more but it’s still white white white everywhere I look and I’m still panicking and I need to find her and my frustrashun bring more tears (shut up) and I need to find her.
“I will find you! I ain’t gonna leave you” I yell out cause I know she’s here somewhere and I have to find her. “Where are you?” I whisper, more for myself than for her to hear.
And I end up crying some more (Shut up just effing shut up) cause even tho I’m not giving up on finding her I’ve stopped running and it feels like I’ve given up but I’ll never give up on her I’ll never leave her I’ll find her and keep her safe and never lose her again. But I feel like I’ve given up cause I ain’t running right this second, I’m not looking right this second, I’m not fighting right this second, trying to find her and I need her which makes me ruddy effing cry even more (Shut the eff up!) but I don’t care about my ruddy tears anymore cause I can’t ruddy find her in a world that’s nothing but white that stretches on forever and ever and ever.
Wait, New Prentisstown ain’t white. New World ain’t white neither. What is this? Where am I? What’s going on? Where the eff am I?
“Yer in your Noise Todd.”
And I turn around.
And I’m hoping it’s her.
But it ain’t her.
But it can’t be her.
Cause the voice belongs to a man.
The voice belongs to-
“Ben?” is all I can say as I turn around and suddenly I’m remembering everything about him, about us and how he taught me to hunt with a gun, fix a fission bike, tried to teach me to read and how he and Cillian did everything to protect me and got me a ruddy dog (I loved that ruddy effing great dog)  and gave me his knife, the knife I used to kill the Spackle in the woods, the knife I used to protect her when Aaron came after her that first day I left Prentisstown. Most of all, I remember how he stayed behind to give me and her time to run, to get to Haven, how Davy shot him and how he almost died if it hadn’t been for those Spackle who creep the hell outta me but saved him and created war and 1017 who I saved but who could never unnerstand that I never meant to kill his kind, how it destroyed me and made me sick. But I heard Ben’s voice, clear as day all around me like this ruddy whiteness that’s starting to get me angry.
“Ben?” I say again but he aint there he aint nowhere to be seen. “BEN?” and he suddenly appears in front of me like he was always there, like I just didn’t see him and I’m so happy to see him that I grab him and hug him to me so hard and fierce I think I may be hurting him but I don’t care cause he’s here he’s here he’s here and I’m crying all over again (Shut UP already) cause I’m just so happy to see him after almost losing him so many times and I can’t lose him again.
“Now Todd, come on, stop crying.” Ben says softly to me, but he still hugs me back and I’m still effing crying (shut up) and it feels like forever since the last time I saw him and it’s just been too ruddy long. “Come on now; stop it, yer getting my shirt full of your tears.”
“Sorry.” I say as I pull away with one of the biggest smiles ever on my face and I’m just so ruddy happy to see him and he looks so happy to see me too.
“Oh Todd, if you could look at yerself.” He says with nothing but admirashun and pride in his eyes and I can see that he really loves me like I love him. But his eyes also have a sad side to them, almost like Mayor Ledger’s gray Noise but in his eyes and I see that he’s holding back tears and I have a feeling that they ain’t tears of joy, that something bad is going on and all I can think is
Is she okay?
Is she alright?
And Ben sees my askings in my Noise and laughs a little as a tear falls from his eyes.
“Viola’s fine, Todd.” He says and I hear her name and I’m remembering her and my heart opens up to hear name to soak all of her into me but it also the worst thing in the world cause now I remember everything about her and she’s gone, she’s not here, and it hurts ten times more than it did before and chokes me even more then the blinding whiteness choked me. “It’s you I’m worrying about. It’s you everyone’s worrying about.”
My confushun sticks out of my Noise so strong. I’m fine not hurt not scared, I’m perfectly fine other than the fact that I have no ruddy idea where I am and I need to find Viola (Viola, I feel so stupid for forgetting her name and I miss her and I need her and feel her but I can’t effing see her)
“I told you Todd, yer in yer Noise.” Ben tells me and my confushun just keeps getting more confused and muddled.
“My Noise? How can I be in my Noise?”
“Do you remember what happened before you were here? Do you remember before this whiteness, Todd?” he asks me and I’m suddenly seeing Mayor Prentiss walking into the ocean and getting swallowed whole, seeing 1017 show up and shoot me with a gun that ain’t a gun with that acid that I felt melting my chest and all I can do is nod. “Well, when you got shot with whatever that stuff is, you got knocked out, like you’ve been sleeping and you’ve been sleeping for over a month. The new settlers are almost here. And well we’ve done everything we can to try and wake you up but nothing has worked.”
“What does any of this have to do with my Noise?” I ask, my Noise starting to get a little red with all my confushun and I notice that the whiteness around my starts to go red too, red like blood like Spackle blood, like Aaron’s blood after he got attacked by the crocs in the swamp, like her blood after Davy shot her when we almost got to Haven. And as I calm down, so does the red and soon it’s back to the same whiteness from before.
“Yer asleep Todd and yer not waking up. Yer gonna be stuck in yer Noise and in yer head until we can find a way to wake you up. Or you can try to wake yerself up but I don’t think it’ll work out to well.”
“So yer telling me that I’m asleep and stuck in this ruddy whiteness and no one knows how to get me outta here? What happens if I’m stuck here?” I ask and I already know what he’s gonna say and I don’t wanna hear it but he says it any ways.
“You can’t sleep forever Todd. And we’ve been keeping you alive but I just don’t know how much longer we can.” And that’s when he breaks down, that’s when he starts crying cause he don’t wanna lose me and I don’t wanna lose him but if I don’t effing wake up, I’ll lose him and Viola and I’ll die and I’ll never be able to see Viola again and Viola… I can’t die, we have to find a way to wake me up.
“Trust me, we’ve been trying to wake you up and Viola hasn’t left yer side since… well you know.” And Ben wipes his eyes on his arm and hugs me too him and I think he ain’t never gonna let go but suddenly I don’t feel him anymore, almost like he ain’t there and when I try to look at him I can see through him and he looks almost clear.
“Ben, what’s going on?” I ask, not wanting to lose him.
“I have to go Todd, but I promise you I’ll find a way to wake you up and when you wake up we’ll go make a new farm and get you a new dog and restart our lives okay? I’m not giving up on saving you.”
“Ben, don’t go I need you.” I say and I’m crying yet again (shut up just shut the EFF UP) and he’s leaving me and I want him to say and I remember the words from my ma’s song Oh never leave me and I realize I just don’t want to be alone no more after being so alone in Haven and the walk to Haven until I met Viola and then I lost her and I don’t want to be alone no more. “I don’t want to be alone, Ben, please don’t go.”
“I’m sorry Todd, I’d stay if I could. But I’ll leave you with a friend okay? G’bye Todd, I’ll see you soon.” And then he’s gone but from behind me-
From behind me I hear-
I hear a voice-
A high pitched voice-
One I never thought I’d hear again-
And it says-
And it says-
“Poo, Todd.”